Narrative Essay
What I Changed...
With the Narrative Essay being the first essay of the school year, it was certainly of less quality than the other essays that I have written during this school year. The first change I made to this essay was to tighten my attention getter. My first sentence was sufficient in grabbing the reader's attention; however, it was insufficient in quality. I changed the wording of the sentence to make it clearer and to the point. Following the work on my introductory sentence, I cut unnecessary details from my essay. To end my revisions for this essay, I made my essay smoother by adding necessary transitions.
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The death of someone you know is traumatic, especially when it is a fifteen year old girl.
I am a member of my high school volleyball team and we play many teams from around the area. A girl from a local high school, Taylor Schutz, was a standout player to me at our games against her school. Being only fifteen, she was extremely talented. Taylor was involved in an everyday occurring all-terrain vehicle accident. She hit her head and became brain damaged. Taylor had no hope of survival; therefore, her family decided to let her go.
Taylor’s wake was the same evening as one of my team’s volleyball tournaments. The wake occurred from 5p.m. to 8p.m. and our last game of the day was at 5p.m. However, the venue of the wake was three hours away from the location of our tournament. My teammates and I decided to leave the tournament early so that we could go to the wake. We agreed to play our game scheduled at 5p.m. the next morning at 7a.m., meaning we would have to leave our hometown at 5a.m. the next morning to arrive on time. When we arrived at Taylor’s wake we stood in line to give our respects to the family. We were dressed in the t-shirts and shorts that we played in that day and we were in no
appearance to go to a funeral wake. However, we allowed the others in line to snicker about us and our appearance as we waited two and a half hours to reach the casket. We faced Taylor’s parents; her mother gave us a look of question
until our coach explained where we had been and the sacrifices we made to get to the wake. The mother was greatly appreciative as she hugged me and said “I don’t even know you and you’re here for my daughter. Thank you.” I knew I had made a huge impact on the family as well as many others.
A few weeks later, I had a meeting with my guidance counselor. He spoke to me about the experience and thanked me for doing what we had done; he lost his own brother in a car accident when his brother was seventeen. He explained that he told his mother about our team’s experience and she was also grateful that we had done it.
Knowing I affected the lives of so many, I realized that the littlest things can affect an entire group. In addition, going to Taylor’s wake made me realize that you have no control over your time of death, no matter how much you have going for you; you have to pursue your dreams while you still can.
I am a member of my high school volleyball team and we play many teams from around the area. A girl from a local high school, Taylor Schutz, was a standout player to me at our games against her school. Being only fifteen, she was extremely talented. Taylor was involved in an everyday occurring all-terrain vehicle accident. She hit her head and became brain damaged. Taylor had no hope of survival; therefore, her family decided to let her go.
Taylor’s wake was the same evening as one of my team’s volleyball tournaments. The wake occurred from 5p.m. to 8p.m. and our last game of the day was at 5p.m. However, the venue of the wake was three hours away from the location of our tournament. My teammates and I decided to leave the tournament early so that we could go to the wake. We agreed to play our game scheduled at 5p.m. the next morning at 7a.m., meaning we would have to leave our hometown at 5a.m. the next morning to arrive on time. When we arrived at Taylor’s wake we stood in line to give our respects to the family. We were dressed in the t-shirts and shorts that we played in that day and we were in no
appearance to go to a funeral wake. However, we allowed the others in line to snicker about us and our appearance as we waited two and a half hours to reach the casket. We faced Taylor’s parents; her mother gave us a look of question
until our coach explained where we had been and the sacrifices we made to get to the wake. The mother was greatly appreciative as she hugged me and said “I don’t even know you and you’re here for my daughter. Thank you.” I knew I had made a huge impact on the family as well as many others.
A few weeks later, I had a meeting with my guidance counselor. He spoke to me about the experience and thanked me for doing what we had done; he lost his own brother in a car accident when his brother was seventeen. He explained that he told his mother about our team’s experience and she was also grateful that we had done it.
Knowing I affected the lives of so many, I realized that the littlest things can affect an entire group. In addition, going to Taylor’s wake made me realize that you have no control over your time of death, no matter how much you have going for you; you have to pursue your dreams while you still can.